Looking Within for Validation: Adventure Boudoir Style

I am a 41 year old woman, married to a caring and encouraging husband (who was actually the one who stumbled upon the Zealous Stills Instagram page.)

I have two children, ages 13 and 11, and have dedicated my life to staying home with them since my oldest was born. I guess I would consider myself a full time “teacher”, because I also have homeschooled them since Kindergarten. I’m a little bit feisty, a handful at times, unconventional and independent. Recently, I’ve been learning to surrender and ask for help when I need it, rather than stressing myself out. I would also describe myself as creative, and generous. I find fulfillment in giving, helping, and listening to others, sometimes to the detriment of my own needs, wants, and desires, whether it be physically or mentally.

I tend to put most before myself, and have realized, especially recently that I need to do myself too. I have learned to appreciate that some of the hardest lessons of my life have led me to use my voice, show my truth, and be myself.

I have always had a Wanderlust, whether it be exploring places around my residence, traveling in our camper, or planning a trip further away on an airplane. In my free time, I love talking, writing, and learning about the “taboo”, researching and obsessing maybe a little too much! My husband and I have a thing for taking unprofessional “boudoir” photos (he is the “photographer”), especially on our travels, hiking, or when I get a “weird” idea that pops into my head. I love the spontaneity and the ability to use my creativity.

To put it bluntly, the reason for doing a boudoir session was to step out of my shell, and make my fantasy a reality.

This adventure boudoir session was to make a move and not sit on it anymore. I’m not getting any younger, and letting time pass me by on my desire to do this would not serve any personal growth. I had thought about it for many years. I had always admired the people who had the courage to do a boudoir photo shoot and I think the added bonus of being outside in nature sealed the deal.

But, to rewind just a little bit,

I made a major move cross country, almost a year ago. It was a long internal process in itself, just like choosing to do the boudoir session. If you know me, it wasn’t easy, although once I got over the hump of things it felt so freeing. It was a much needed move for many reasons. I was proud of my bravery and accomplishments, and pushing through many obstacles. I think this move gave me the courage I needed to do this session, to be okay with being seen, and to start me be more comfortable with who I was physically and mentally.

I’ve always looked for answers, whether from other people or tried to research them, and to also put it bluntly, I am learning to live my life with conviction.

I knew that booking a session was the right thing to do and didn’t waver on it once.

For the most part, I was very excited leading up to my boudoir session! I would say the week before, I was feeling a little anxious, as it was becoming real. It was not so much about the actual experience of being partially clothed/nude in front of the camera, but internal thoughts about myself, stepping out into the world doing something totally new, something that some of society, family, and friends may not approve of.

I knew a new part of me was emerging, and as exciting as it was, it was also scary.

Not many people knew I was doing this, and it was as if
I had to look within for the mental stability and validation,

very different from what I’ve done in the past, looking for outside approval. But looking back on this, feeling “alone” on this decision was all part of my growth.

I feel the narratives and feelings that were fueling these emotions were about being seen. I’ve always known deep down that I wanted to do this, but to be acknowledged publicly was very different. I would say I’m very humble, so to be acknowledged for my “success” or my “beauty” almost felt scary. I think the thought of being seen in a world where many people, even some of those closest to me wouldn’t understand, was also a factor.

During, the session, I almost had a feeling of relief, a sense of accomplishment, my dream just became a reality.

The deep breaths that Molly had me take as I was taking the photos gave me clarity, helped me relax into the moment, live in the moment, physically and mentally. I felt beautiful, seen, and happy. It’s like all other emotions lifted, and the true me was shining my light. It felt very healing on many levels. Being out in nature, sitting on the soil, feeling the landscape on my body, dipping my body into the cold, fresh water.

The moment that sticks out to me the most is when I took off my dress and went fully nude. Standing there out in the open, with my hands up made me feel balanced and without labels. I released my mask (clothing) and in that moment I was able to embrace my spiritual side (sexuality). It also felt exhilarating and powerful, as if at any moment someone could stumble upon me and see me for “who I am”.

Peacefulness and independence comes to mind as I reflect. Knowing that I had no one else to take care of, and I was on my own doing something “selfish” enabled me to relax and embrace my own thoughts and body.

Right after/days after my session, I felt like I was missing it, because I was on such a mental high.

Part of me wants to do this all the time, but obviously it’s not a feasible option, monetarily, among other things! Even though nothing compares, I’m trying to use my creativity to recreate that feeling within the constraints of my environment and society, until I can do another session one day!

It has inspired me to not worry as much about my choices, to know that if it feels right and it’s what I desire, then do it. It has inspired me to want to live more with conviction. It has also given me the courage to want to inspire others. I was able to express myself in creative ways that I have never before.

I would tell other women considering adventure boudoir, that if it’s something that they having been considering or desiring, then take the steps and do it!

There is never the perfect time. Don’t sit on it with the desire to do it, and take no action for a while, like I did. I know everyone has their own mental process and different reasons for their boudoir sessions, but I think that taking this time for yourself brings so much healing to the self, physically and mentally. It helps you to live in the moment and feel all those happy feelings about yourself. Whether you are mostly clothed or completely nude, I feel like there is no wrong answer. The photo shoot leaves you with a sense of empowerment and self worth.

And also, you are never too old! I am 41, and I would be fine with doing this in 10 years.

On a final note, I just want to thank Molly for creating a safe and healing experience and environment to help me accomplish one of my long awaited goals. I am grateful for your ability to capture these very special moments, turning them into artwork, that I, and others can enjoy indefinitely.