Gaining Confidence I Lost During Medical Trauma: Boudoir Edition
Boudoir is healing for me, it is a powerful outlet for my often hidden femininity, a stepping stone to get back in touch with my most authentic self, and an art form where my soul yearns to create with my body.
I'm writing this because I NEED to get the whole story off my chest, and have the information out there for whoever wants to know, because I've had to revisit my poor health trauma TOO MANY times; like when I meet someone new, when I start a new job and inevitably get sick (again), or when I go to a new medical facility, or unexpectedly run across something I physically can't do anymore (i.e. swim,ride a bike, use a knife well),and people ask, what happened?
I've had bad luck with my physical health since I was a toddler. As a laundry list it goes; kidney failure, treatment and recovery when I was three years old, then from eleven to seventeen years old I underwent countless operations and saw multiple specialists to treat and surgically repair endometriosis as well as an almost nonexistent vaginal canal that ended up massively impacting my overall physical and mental health in a negative way over most of my adolescence, meanwhile I was also diagnosed with diabetes at 13 years old which unknowingly added to me developing kidney failure again when I was 26- at which time I went on dialysis for a couple years until I finally received a donor match and a double organ transplant (kidney and pancreas) when I was 28, and lastly a brain surgery that fixed a collapsed artery that happened during my transplant surgery (which also left me with the left side of my body completely paralyzed). Yes, you read that right, the entire left side of my body was paralyzed from my face down to my left tippy toes.
If I'm an acquaintance of yours you probably know bits and pieces of that poor health saga, and there is my over-simplification. But, what does all that have to do with me becoming a Zealous Stills Brand Ambassador?
Well, everything!
My body and mind have changed so much over the last few years from medical, physical, and emotional trauma, and I'm finally back to a stable way of life, so I'm here to celebrate and LIVE in my perfectly imperfect body!
I'm proud of myself for everything that I've been through albeit fate or kind of unnecessary, as well as everything I do on a daily basis, because even though I've been broken, I'm proof that anyone and everyone can survive, thrive, and show up authentically with grace and beauty!
So, if you don't know me at all, here's a glimpse into a part of my life that I never thought could happen:
First, Let me tell you, a regular kidney and pancreas transplant surgery is already a long procedure to undergo, but add in an unexpected artery repair and reroute (which takes place inside the brain)?! I was under anesthesia for a full twenty-four hours-- I remember waking up and being immediately frightened. Why was there a gigantic bandage on my head(partially covering my vision)? Where is my mom? They probably should have just let die...
When I awoke I also could not fully grasp what I was up against-- my life had completely changed while I was asleep; I would not only have to recover from my transplant surgery, but I would have to stay as an inpatient for several MONTHS in order to be monitored, while I RE-LEARN how to WALK, SPEAK and WRITE.
I could still speak, but I was knocked back to about a second grade level and my vocabulary limited. I could write, but it looked closer to a five year old's letters compared to my usual neat and curvy handwriting I've had forever. I could not walk; my thin frame could not support the whole 98 pounds of me. Oh, that's right! I went from going into the hospital at a normal 130 pounds, but over the months of my rehabilitation, I shrank to 98 pounds. Imagine that- I'm 5'8 and 98 pounds?! I looked like a goddamn skeleton. It was truly terrifying.
The first time I was able to get up and look at my whole body in the mirror I could not hold back the tears; I was a shell of myself, unidentifiable.
Talk about body dysmorphia! There's a video of me on my mother's phone- me walking (with a nurse and the help of a walker) down the hospital hallway for the first time, and it brings tears to my eyes at just the thought; it was bittersweet, even though I was finally up on my feet and moving (this is several weeks after my initial surgery) I was also completely unrecognizable; the few words I say while I'm walking are with a different voice than usual (somehow both raspy and gurgly), and I look like an eighty year old woman made of paper mache, matchstick legs and a sunken face with no color, so definitely not the usual lively Katie.
Moving forward, I'm sick of being sick!
For the most part, I've handled it all with as much grace as possible, but I'm honestly fed up!
I've recently gotten back to doing things that I love, like taking risks and showing up as The Real Me (LOVING Zealous Stills as an outlet for my expression) as much as possible;
I've spent most of the last couple years working back towards the best version of myself while also trying to fit in activities that I enjoy. Which was a main motivation for me to be a Zealous Stills Ambassador;
Here, I’m able to show a side of me that I've been unable to tap into fully for too long.
Getting the chance to be one of Zealous Stills' Brand Ambassadors has helped me not only feel beautiful, but more like my old self, my AUTHENTIC self, it has given me back a lot of the self confidence I lost during my medical trauma.
Zealous Stills makes me feel freed from my disabilities, and past disappointment; I can be ME. I can be sensual and sassy and assertive, and it fills me with the confidence that I thought I'd never have again.
Admittedly, I'm a simple gal, and all I've ever wanted was to have a family and become a teacher, so who's to say those things won't happen next?! I've already been through a whirlwind of thirty-three years, and if I keep it up, my next thirty-three could be the best yet! I mean, I already landed a modeling gig, like... Whaaat?!?!