I had a lot of internal discourse and barriers to work through. What if it was uncomfortable? What if people at my work saw the photos? What if my family did? What if my friends did - and they disapproved?? What if it was a bad experience? What could this cost me? In the end I reminded myself that I was safe and this was a safe experience with Zealous Stills that I owed it to myself to allow and have, and that no one ever had to see the pictures besides myself and Molly if I didn’t want them to. That the benefit could be more than the cost. That I should just try it and see. That I deserve to be allowed to explore this side of my womanhood and femininity more deeply and see what could come of it.  That I wanted to

Boudoir is for the insecure. It helped me see that I have value. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of being celebrated. I am worthy of eating the food that makes me happy. Even if that means it’s not the “best” food for me. When looking through my photos I don’t feel like I’m viewing myself. I feel like I’m viewing a princess worthy of everything good in this life.

This journey has been one of sisterhood, creativity, expansion, reflection… I would be lying if I told you that there weren’t feelings of fear, anxiety, or stress. For these feelings have been programmed into women for hundreds of years. It has been a journey of unbecoming, a deep unwinding of sexuality and the energy the female body represents. The witnessing of SELF as she blossoms into a new version with every photo shoot revealed.

I have connected to, possibly for the first time in my life, my full self.

I’ve learned through this experience that we as humans are supposed to be proud of ourselves and share our experiences good and bad. Most of my life, it was ingrained in me that self-confidence or SHOWING you love your body is being boastful and arrogant. Confidence is key to happiness, truly accepting yourself and encouraging others.

I have been immensely lucky to not just continue to learn self-love for myself but to empower others to do the same.

I've spent most of the last couple years working back towards the best version of myself while also trying to fit in activities that I enjoy. Which was a main motivation for me to be a Zealous Stills Ambassador;

Here, I’m able to show a side of me that I've been unable to tap into fully for too long.

Getting the chance to be one of Zealous Stills' Brand Ambassadors has helped me not only feel beautiful, but more like my old self, my AUTHENTIC self, it has given me back a lot of the self confidence I lost during my medical trauma.

Boudoir has reflected the parts of me I avoid back to me so beautifully that I have fallen in love with them. But not every image comes out that way. During reveals, I find myself anxiously awaiting both the intense, empowering love and awe I know I will feel looking at my favorite images alongside the struggle and discontent I know I will feel at some of the other images. And then I use them as an opportunity to tune back into that place inside of me and try to dig away at it a little more.

Up until now, I have just believed everything. “You’re so ugly.” “Stop singing, your voice isn’t any good.” “You’d look so much better if you lost a little weight.” Because of this, I’ve spiraled. Way more times than I can count.

The first few camera clicks and I was a hot mess. I had definitely forgotten how to be sexy. I was awkward but Molly was so gracious and I was able to listen to how she was coaching me a long. Then moving became easier, I settled into myself.

Why was I doing this then? Why was I spending a fuck ton of money on something that I already look at in the mirror and HATE daily? It made no sense and I almost canceled.

I know it sounds cliche, but to become proud of your body through the art she provides is something I would never have thought possible.

Looking back now, I always remember crying to my father about why he did this to me, I still remember begging him and telling him that I was being picked on because of what he made me look like and he would always say to me “this is who you are, and this is what you will always look like, you need to start accepting that.”

Everything in this human life is impermanent or temporary. Fear, happiness, love, tranquility, bliss, anxiety, sadness, joy, jobs, relationships, experiences, EVERYTHING is temporary. This can be a daunting concept. One might think, “But I want to be happy forever!” That’s an honorable wish - but, all good things and bad things are temporary. The idea that happiness may be gone in an instant, can be painful! Can be frightening! Can be daunting! Why? Shouldn't all good things last forever?

I am a 28 year old single woman who is alone most of her days. I was raised in a tiny ass Lutheran school with 3 other classmates throughout middle school, then thrown into high school not knowing a soul. I was overweight, awkward, quiet and the definition of what it means to be insecure.

We all undergo struggles. It’s what we do with those struggles that determine the type of person we are. I have chose to NEVER forget those times of struggle in my life because it has made me exactly who I am today.

Some people will think that it's silly for me to feel so strongly over a photo shoot but it's so much more than just that, it's a life changing experience to learn how to love yourself, to see how the world is looking at you.