I Stopped Looking At Myself In The Mirror, then did a boudoir photo shoot

I ALMOST CANCELLED EVERYTHING I WAS GOING TO DO FOR ME.

I FELL INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION IN 2018. I WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT MEDICALLY, THAT I HAD JUST GIVEN UP ON THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE,

ME.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I let that consume me completely. I fell down a rabbit hole, and struggled to pull myself out of it. 

I FELT LIKE MY BODY GAVE UP ON ME.

So I gave up on myself.

I stopped doing things that I loved doing. Picking up that new book I wanted, or searching for an old vinyl in a record store, forget about it. It required me to drag my body out of bed and face a world that I was so frustrated with. I remember thinking to myself,

“Why do I have to be stuck with this? Why can’t I be normal?”

I stopped looking at myself in the mirror.

I would get mad because I was so swollen during flare ups. I would try to hide my body underneath baggy clothing.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I was so wrong.

I was pushing away everything that I loved. I was letting it consume me, instead of learning how to deal with Endometriosis.

Instead of researching what I should be doing, I almost stopped living life to the fullest.

I almost cancelled my first solo vacation down to Florida because I thought I didn’t deserve to feel happy.

Hell, I almost cancelled my photo session in May, because I thought there is no way she could find anything beautiful left in this. 

Then a flame was lit.

After my first photoshoot with Molly, she turned around the camera.

I looked at it and looked up at her saying,

“DAMN. THAT’S ME!?” 

This was what I NEEDED to open my eyes and realize that the girl I loved, was still there. I just let her fade into the background. After that day in May of 2019, I got into my car and something had to change. This was the spark I needed to relight a flame that I had lost.

I did just that, I started to change.

I REACHED OUT

I opened up about what I was going through.

I had to let other people help me, and accept the help. Sometimes I have to sit and remind myself, I am still learning to love myself.

To be patient with myself.

To not get angered when a flare-up happens.

Most importantly…

I am still a fucking beautiful, strong human being, who deserves to be happy.

I am learning how to fall in love with myself all over again.