I Needed To Take Back My Sensuality, My Sexuality - with Zealous Stills Boudoir

ABOUT ME HUH? WELL THE BASICS, I'M 25 YEARS OLD, A MOTHER OF TWO CRAZY CHILDREN, FUR MAMA, A WIFE, A BUSINESS OWNER, SURVIVOR, AND SO MUCH MORE.

I'VE LIVED A LONG LIFE FOR SOMEONE MY AGE. I'VE GONE FROM NOT KNOWING WHERE I WOULD SLEEP AT NIGHT, TO OWNING A THRIVING BUSINESS. SO I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. RECENTLY I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH MY EXISTENCE. I'VE STARTED THERAPY, MEDICATION, BLOOD TESTS, SCANS, YOU NAME IT. SO I'M A WALKING MEDICAL ANOMALY AT THIS POINT. BUT I AM ME!

I'd been dying to do a session for a long time, I always thought these women looked ethereal, no matter the size or shape. But for me, it was always "When I lose some weight." or "When money isn't so tight." Well Molly and I met at a model call, and it was pure magic.

“I was freezing my butt off by a fire, and

SHE STILL HAD ME FEELING LIKE A PAGAN GODDESS.”

After that mini shoot, I knew this was something I needed.

I'VE BEEN BATTLING ANXIETY, PANIC DISORDER, AND A LAUNDRY LIST OF OTHER HEALTH PROBLEMS. MY MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IMPROVING FOR A LONG TIME. A SURVIVOR OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS THAT I COULDN'T BEGIN TO GET INTO WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN. BUT THIS, THIS WAS HEALING.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT THIS I was celebrating myself. My life has been a roller-coaster from hell. I needed to accept me, and love me, and release all of the hatred and anger towards the people who hurt me.

I NEEDED TO TAKE BACK MY SENSUALITY, MY SEXUALITY. OWN IT. I WAS CELEBRATING LIFE. RELEASING THE NEGATIVITY TO BE CLEANSED BY THE EARTH, WITH EVERY SNAP OF THE CAMERA I FELT LIGHTER.

LEADING UP I WAS ANXIOUS. I WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE JUST SO.

I WAS SO NERVOUS, I CRIED THE NIGHT BEFORE IF I'M BEING HONEST. I WANTED TO CANCEL.

I sat in my car, there a little early, when Molly popped out to hang her little sign up and saw me, told me to come in. Would I be able to "hide" my fat rolls? Will my stretch marks look terrible? My adult acne is going to ruin these. All these horrible thoughts about myself. They weren't valid.

I was also feeling exhilarated in the same thought. I had seen Molly's work, following her for over a year. I knew she could do amazing things and I tried to put my trust in her. Despite my own self loathing, I took the plunge.

MY SELF ESTEEM HAD BEEN CRUSHED IN MY ADOLESCENCE. I'VE BEEN BUILDING IT BRICK BY BRICK, BUT IT STILL HAS ITS WEAK POINTS.

During the session I was definitely a little insecure at first, but Molly has this way with her energy. I don't have the words to truly explain, but she calms you and treats you like you're her dearest friend.

I WENT FROM A SHY LITTLE MOUSE TO A FIERCE LIONESS. FREEDOM.

WHAT AM I SURPRISED BY? GETTING NAKED. FULL ON BIRTHDAY SUIT. IT WAS LIKE STRIPPING AWAY ALL OF THE BULLSHIT THAT WAS HOLDING ME BACK.

I knew going into this that I was never a 'modest' person. I fully believe the human body is a magnificent piece of art. But I didn't think I'd just be totally fine stripping to nothing. But my nude shots are my favorite!

An unexpected feeling was comfort in my own skin.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I FELT LIKE MY BODY WAS MINE. BETWEEN MARRIAGE, TWO PREGNANCIES AND BREASTFEEDING FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS TOTAL, YOU CAN LOSE A SENSE OF SELF. NOT TO MENTION CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND ABUSE.

I was giddy and happy. I couldn't wait to see them!

AS I DROVE AWAY I WAS TWITCHING FROM THE ENERGY EXCHANGE THAT HAD JUST EXPERIENCED. IT WAS LIKE A FIRST KISS BUT BETTER. MY WORRIES ABOUT MY BODY WERE GONE, AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.

MENTAL ILLNESS HAS A WAY OF GETTING UNDER YOUR SKIN AND POKING AT YOU, UNTIL YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, SCRUTINIZING EVERY INCH OF YOURSELF. BUT FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS, I WAS JUST HAPPY. I FELT CONFIDENT.

WHEN I FEEL UGLY, WHEN I FEEL SAD, WHEN I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST THE MOST GROTESQUE CREATURE... I LOOK AT THE PHOTOS. WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND CAN ONLY SEE MY PERCEIVED FLAWS. I THINK BACK AND I CAN SEE MOLLY, CALLING ME FIERCE, A GODDESS, AND ENCOURAGING ME. MY BAD DAYS ARE MADE BETTER EVEN NOW.

IF YOU ARE EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, DO IT. DON'T WAIT FOR THOSE FIFTEEN POUNDS, DON'T WAIT FOR THE MONEY (THEY HAVE AMAZING PAYMENT PLANS!), THERE WILL NEVER BE A 'RIGHT' TIME. THE RIGHT TIME IS NOW. DO IT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR BOYFRIEND, WHATEVER REASON YOU DEEM WORTHY. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF, TO SEE YOURSELF AS YOU TRULY ARE. A STUNNING, UNIQUE, MAGICAL WOMAN.

WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE BRAVE. WE ARE NOT FEARLESS, WE ARE WISE. WE ARE NOT WITHOUT WEAKNESS, BUT KNOWING THOSE WEAKNESSES GIVES US THE POWER TO OVER COME IT. LET THIS BE YOUR FIRST STEP TO OVERCOMING YOUR STRUGGLES, AND LOVING WHO YOU ARE.